Humor With A Tumor

clown.thumbnail Humor With A TumorThey say that laughter is the best medicine, and I tend to agree with the theory. I can’t imagine how I could get through this without laughter.

So, I would like your help in healing. Submit a comment to this thread with your funniest jokes and one-​​liners. I want this section to become incredibly popular and maybe help other women going through a similar experience. You won’t just be helping me heal faster, you will be helping countless others in the future.

So, I’ll help get us started…

I love kids! They view the world differently than adults, and sometimes, the way they see the world makes for some very funny moments. Read on to hear some of my favorite comments made by children about their thoughts on love, dating, and marriage.

Q: What Exactly Is Marriage?

“Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don’t have to give her back to her parents” –Eric, six years old

“When somebody’s been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, ‘I’ll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.’ Then she says yes, but she’s wondering what the thing is and whether it’s naughty or not. She can’t wait to find out.” –Anita, nine years old

Q: How Does a Person Decide Whom to Marry?

“You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one.” –Kelly, nine years old

“My mother says to look for a man who is kind.…That’s what I’ll do.…I’ll find somebody who’s kinda tall and handsome.” –Carolyn, eight years old

Q: What Is the Proper Age to Get Married?

“Once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife” –Bert, five years old

Q: How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?

“They were at a dance party at a friend’s house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down…It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values.” –Lottie, nine years old

“My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won’t tell me what kind.” –Jeremy, eight years old

Q: What Do Most People Do on a Date?

“On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.” –Martin, ten years old

“Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love.” –Craig, nine years old

Q: When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?

“You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, ’cause she’ll want to have videos of the wedding.” –Allan, ten years old

“Never kiss in front of other people. It’s a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you.…If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours.” –Kally, nine years old

The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?

“You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan” –Kirsten, ten years old

“It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them” –Anita, nine years old

“It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I’m just a kid. I don’t need that kind of trouble.” –Will, seven years old

Kids Thoughts On Love

“Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.” — Dave, age 8

“A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness and diseases together.” — Marlon, age 10

“No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That’s why perfume and deodorant are so popular.” — Mae, age 9

“I’m in favor of love as long as it doesn’t happen when Dinosaurs is on television.” — Jill, age 6

“Love is like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.” — John, age 9

“It isn’t always how you look. Look at me. I’m handsome like anything, and I haven’t got anybody to marry me yet.” — Brian, age 7

“Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food.” – Brad, age 8

“You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.” — Allan, age 10

“No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.” — Kirsten, age 10

17 Comments so far »

  1. Shiela said on:

    September 14, 2006 at 6:13 pm

    LOL — is that the only clown picture you have ??????

    Love the humor — as you know I would!

  2. Frank said on:

    September 14, 2006 at 11:38 pm

    Hey Sylvie I agree that laughter is the best medecine! Here are a couple jokes to add to the list.

    First one you have to think about.…

    A man walks into a bar.… His friend ducks

    Ok heres a better one.

    An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.

    A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.

    What was the name of the Instructor?” asked the neighbor.

    Oh, ummmm, let’s see,” the old man pondered. “You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what’s that flower’s name?”

    A rose?” asked the neighbor.

    Yes, that’s it,” replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, “Hey, Rose, what’s the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?”

    surely someone has better ones than this! LOL

  3. Janie said on:

    September 15, 2006 at 12:27 am

    Housework is a dirty word.
    Go wash your mouth out with chocolate!

  4. LaDawn said on:

    September 15, 2006 at 1:09 pm

    He who laughs last.…..thinks slowest.
    ————————————

    Is Windows a Virus
    No, Windows is not a virus. Here’s what viruses do:

    1.They replicate quickly — okay, Windows does that.

    2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so — okay, Windows does that.

    3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk — okay, Windows does that too.

    4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. — Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

    5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. — Yup, Windows does that, too.

    Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

    So Windows is not a virus.

    It’s a bug.

    —————————————-
    Man: Hey baby, what’s your sign?
    Woman: Do not enter.

  5. John Ritskowitz said on:

    September 15, 2006 at 2:22 pm

    Here’s one…

    I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. As a man, I don’t scare easily, but she scared me so much, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.…Damn women drivers!!

    Get well soon, Sylvie!

    John

  6. Mornin said on:

    September 15, 2006 at 2:29 pm

    *walks up to Sylvie, hugs gently*

    I was going to send you this book, but since you asked for the humor to be made public, I’ll post it here. Sounds like a great idea!

    It’s a book by a woman who has been coping with cancer for quite a while. Fran Di Giacomo She believes that will and humor is one of the best ways for cancer patients to cope, especially with the pain.

    I haven’t read it yet, but from the little bits I have read I love her humor already. The book expresses her view: “I’d rather do chemo than clean out the garage. Choosing Laughter over Tears”

    She describes herself as:

    Fran DiGiacomo, PhD
    (Perpetually hairless Dame)

    Artist and author, Fran’s first cancer was in 1984. Since diagnosed again in 1998, she has had 12 surgeries, 15 hospitalizations, earned signature status in Oil Painters of America, produced 4 solo art exhibits, painted prestigious portraits, conducted TV, magazine and radio interviews, and sold millions of prints— all while on continuous chemo. (Whew!) Frequent requests for advice led her to write I’d Rather Do Chemo Than Clean Out the Garage: Choosing Laughter Over Tears. “We don’t need tears right now, we need backbone and laughter!” Fran is outrageously witty, slightly wicked and packed with trench warfare wisdom. She gives serious tools for handling a life crisis, and a powerful message about laughter and passion.”

    [http://​www​.curetoday​.com/​p​a​t​i​e​n​t​m​e​e​t​i​n​g​/​f​a​c​u​l​t​y​/​d​a​l​l​a​s​/​F​r​a​n​D​i​G​i​a​c​o​m​o​.​htm]

    Hope it helps. Maybe folks would like to give a critique? Start a book club? Laugh. Scratch? Clean the garage? rofl!

  7. Julie Perry said on:

    September 15, 2006 at 3:14 pm

    SYLVIE!!!

    Such wonderful news that the surgery went so smoothly! It brought me tears of joy to read your post-​​surgery entry.

    As for the laughter, here are some J.P. originals, just for *you*:

    What I want to know is, what was the look on Michel’s face when you learned the news, and then turned to him and said, “Honey, there’s something I’ve been meaning to get off my chest.” ?

    (Oh c’mon, you know Julie’s humor is never P.C.!)

    And in parting:
    Take if from a girl who’s been impatiently waiting since she was 13 for her mother’s “busty” genes to kick in: It is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all.

    ;-)
    LOVE YOU, SYLVIE — you’re not only my mentor in the Internet Marketing realm, but you’re my mentor in life. Thank you for being such a beautiful and amazing human being!!!

    ~Julie Perry

    P.S. I spoke with my father the other night and shared with him what was going on with you and Michel. He said to send you his best and to let you know you were in his prayers. (Personally–and don’t tell Michel this–but I think my dad developed a wee crush on you when he met you at Big Seminar.) ;-)
    jp

  8. Ladan Lashkari said on:

    September 16, 2006 at 1:11 am

    Hi Sylvie,

    Here’s a nice joke for you…

    One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

    She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?”

    Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”

    The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”

  9. Peter said on:

    September 17, 2006 at 3:48 am

    Hi Sylvie.

    Here’s a joke, commenting on the politeness of Canadians.

    How do you get 100 Canadians out of a pool?

    …Would everyone please leave the pool”.

    It’s not very funny…but I bet you’re laughing…just to be polite. (-:

    –P

  10. Susann Arber said on:

    September 17, 2006 at 11:41 pm

    My parent’s always tole me when life deals you a lemon, it’s up to you to laugh with sugar or cry and turn bitter. Like you, I’ve chosen to laugh.
    Laughter has gotten me through a 6 year failing marriage, subsequent divorce, the shock of becoming a single mom of 2 boys with virtually no income, and then through the long dating process that brought my soon-​​to-​​be husband to me. Your openess and honesty to share something so personal with so many of us is awe inspiring! I’m still praying with you, and have no doubt that you’ll be living the life you’ve positively envisioned!

    Here’s a joke that made me laugh out loud for real! I’ve posted it in my jokebox on Jibjab​.com. I’m including a link to my jokebox on Jibjab​.com. There are so many jokes, commercials and movies in the jokebox that searching through never fails to evoke a laugh when I’m desperate for it! Sure hope the link works!

    Lizard Birthing…

    If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

    Overview: I had to take my son’s lizard to the vet. Here’s what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. “He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious dad, can you help?”

    I put my best lizard-​​healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. “Honey,” I called, ” come look at the lizard!”

    Oh my! gosh,” my wife diagnosed after a minute. “She’s having babies.” “What?” my son demanded. “But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!” I was equally outraged. “Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn’t want them to reproduce,” I accused my wife. “Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?” she
    inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

    No, but you were supposed to get two boys!” I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

    Yeah, Bert and Ernie!” my son agreed.

    Well, it’s just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,” she informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)

    By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. “Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. “We’re about to witness the miracle of birth.”

    Oh, gross!” they shrieked. “Well, isn’t THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?” my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don’t you?)

    We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. “We don’t appear to be making much progress,” I noted. “It’s breech,” my wife whispered, horrified.

    Do something, Dad!” my son urged. “Okay, okay.” Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried
    several more times with the same results.

    Should I call 911,” my eldest daughter wanted to know. “Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.” (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

    Let’s get Ernie to the vet,” I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. “Breathe, Ernie, breathe,” he urged.

    I don’t think lizards do Lamaze,” his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God’s sake.)

    The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

    What do you think, Doc, a C-​​section?” I suggested scientifically.

    Oh, very interesting,” he murmured. “Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?”

    I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. “Is Ernie going to be okay?” my wife asked.

    Oh, perfectly,” the Vet assured us. “This lizard is not in labour. In fact, that isn’t EVER going to happen… Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.… um.… masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.” He blushed, glancing at my wife.

    Well, you know what I’m saying, Mr. Cameron.” We were silent, absorbing this.

    So Ernie’s just… just… excited,” my wife offered.

    Exactly,” the vet replied, relieved that we finaly understood.

    More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. “What’s so funny?” I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

    Tears were now running down her face. Laughing “It’s just… that… I’m picturing you pulling on its… its… teeny little…” she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

    That’s enough,” I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car.

    He was glad everything was going to be okay.

    I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you’ve done, Dad,” he told me.

    Oh, you have NO idea,”

    Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

    1 — Lizards — $140…

    2 — Cage — $50…

    3 — Trip to the Vet — $30…

    4 — Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard’s winkie.….
    Priceless~!

    Moral of the story — finish biology class — lizards lay eggs

  11. Susann Arber said on:

    September 18, 2006 at 10:34 am

    Oh, I guess it would have helped if I’d included the link to my jokebox on Jibjab​.com in my post above! I’ll just consider that an accidental joke. LOL
    Hope things are going better for you!
    Susann

    http://​www​.jibjab​.com/​j​o​k​e​b​o​x​/​s​a​r​a​h​m​o​r​g​a​n​0_1

  12. Nathan Anderson said on:

    September 18, 2006 at 4:52 pm

    Okay Sylvie…

    This series jogged a horrible memory from my past.

    Ten years ago, when I was first married, my wife really wanted to “integrate” into my family. We’re Colorado natives, so you might be keen to the fact that hunting is part of the culture (at least for natives!). So in order to fit in, the wife decided that she’d get a license and come along on an Elk hunt.

    We take a sort of “group” approach to hunting… and try to move animals toward each other as we hunt. So I placed my wife on a ridge where she could see a decent-​​sized valley in front of her, and decided I’d walk around behind the hill and see if I could scare anything around to her.

    I made sure she was very clear on how this whole thing worked: “Now, make SURE you put your tag (license) on the Elk immediately after you get it, and then climb up where you can loacate me… and I’ll come help you with it. There’s lots of idiots out there that will take your Elk if you don’t tag it.”… “Got it!”, she said.

    Well, I hiked around the side of the hill, and I wasn’t gone more than 15 minutes when I heard a shot from her direction…

    So I immediately turned around to walk back to her. When I approached, sure enough, she was standing over a downed animal. “One shot! Wow!”, I thought. The shooting practice had paid off. But standing there next to her was a man in a cowboy hat… As I got closer, I could hear that they were arguing…

    No, No, NO! This is MY ELK! I put my tag on it!”, She was arguing..

    Fine Lady, FINE!”, the man in the cowboy hat said; “Just let me get my saddle off of it first!”.

    :D

  13. Alison said on:

    September 19, 2006 at 9:08 pm

    Hi Sylvie,

    I am one of your W4H girls and I have been keeping you and your family in my prayers. I received this in my inbox tonight and immediately thought of you! Thinking of you and wishing you a speedy recovery. Enjoy! :o )

    Ali

    A blonde (or brunette or redhead … no prejudice intended, but you get the picture!) enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, “I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.“
    The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains.

    He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to have a hard time choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.

    The blonde promptly replies, “Fifteen inches.”

    Fifteen inches?” asked the salesman. “That sounds very small — what room are they for?”

    The blonde tells him that they aren’t for a room, but they are for her computer monitor.

    The surprised salesman replies, “But miss, computers do not need curtains!”

    The blond says, “Hellllooooooooo! I’ve got Windoooooows!”

  14. Jeanette Cates said on:

    September 23, 2006 at 7:24 pm

    Recently heard on the news:

    With the low lake levels, a waterskier recently found a 55-​​gallon drum. When police investigated, they found a skeleton in the container. The container was filled with cement. Authorities suspect foul play.”

    Now I ask you, how often to you find a skeleton in cement *without* foul play??

    Keep smiling, Sylvie! We’re wishing you well —

    Jeanette

  15. Suzan St Maur said on:

    September 24, 2006 at 6:04 am

    Hiya Sylvie

    Congrats for being a brave girl — I’ve been there and got the breast cancer T-​​shirt too and I know how it feels. I also know how many women DO survive for many, many years after BC — and many of those have started with a diagnosis similar to yours. Don’t forget that the “50–50″ statistic covers the widest possible range of standards of care and many other variables; the reality in your case could be somewhat higher odds.

    As you like to laugh, have a look at my blog: CancerComicStrip, http://​www​.cancercomicstrip​.blogspot​.com. Have a good look through the archives, too. There are some very, very funny stories about BC, in particular those written by a great friend of mine in Minnesota. As you say in one of your posts, laughter is very good medicine.

    Good luck and keep me posted on your progress!

    SUZE ST MAUR

  16. Sylvia said on:

    September 24, 2006 at 5:10 pm

    Hope this brings another smile!!

    My elderly uncle (84) recently spent 20 days in a nursing home for rehabilitation. One day while he was there, he looked out the window and spotted three elderly female residents lying on the ground completely nude. He immediately pushed the button for a nurse. When he told her the look out the window, she did and replied, nonchalantly, “Oh, those ladies we prostitutes in their younger days and they are just having a yardsale”.

  17. Sarah Green said on:

    October 11, 2006 at 7:21 pm

    Hi Sylvie

    I seem to remember having quite a good laugh hanging around a street corner near Trafalgar Square with you back in the summer at the World Internet Summer UK! Well, for the first half an hour or so, anyway… Only just heard your news, and am sending you love and strength across the pond.

    Laughter truly is the best possible therapy! I’m best at very long shaggy dog stories which only really work in person, so here’s one of my simplest short jokes for you — sing along and don’t forget the actions…

    I’m a little teapot,
    Tall and stout.
    Here’s my handle,
    Here’s my handle…
    Oh shoot, I’m a sugarpot!

    Hope that brings a tiny giggle — have a nice cup of tea, and I’ll tell you one of the shaggy dog stories next time we’re waiting for a taxi together for what seems like forever ;-)
    Sarah x

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